I suffer from depression. It's more often than not mild and on rare occasions severe.
To me it's a mental and emotional illness that has a biological aspect.So basically everything has something to do with it. When I have many healthy connections with those around me I fare better (sounds like common sense). The waves of stress and turmoil don't rock me as much when my emotional safety net is large enough.
However, there come times when the stars line up just right and it hits me.
I usually don't recognize where I am until after I've stumbled through a few weeks.
Week 1: Just a few more stresses to deal with. I can do this. No problem.
Week 2: Well it's just a little bit more difficult than last month or the couple of months before, you know. Life has ups and downs.
Week 3: Why is it so hard to go to class? Why can't I get out of bed? Today was supposed to be a good day.
Week 4: There were days last week I should have been perfectly fine. All motivation has left me at this point. It's difficult to even think about cooking for myself.
It wasn't until about 3 months into the new year that I realized I'm still suffering from depression. The lingering darkness that haunts me. It sits just behind my ears, on the back of my neck and without even raising those hairs to let me know it sinks in.
My prayers are suffocated. Hope fades and the cycles begin to set in.
Cyclical Self-Depreciation
I'm depressed. I'm no fun. I don't have my lively personality. People won't have fun around me. I won't go.
People don't spend time with me because I'm no fun. I must not be that important.
I'm not important enough to bother those people. They wouldn't want to spend time with me.
Why are my days filled with no accomplishment. I feel terrible and worthless.
I'm worthless and shouldn't even try. I won't get anything done because my work isn't good.
The fact is, none of this is necessarily true. But it happens. It's happened throughout so many years of my life.
Sure there are ups and downs, doesn't everybody have those? So why do I bother?
Paralysis.
"Are you coming up today?"
"No"
"I've been in bed all day"
"Get out of bed. Go be with people"
It's at this point where I know something has to be done (I've known all along, and despite years of experience the task is still monumental)
Get up. Go to the shower. Accomplish something. Get food. Eat it. Drink something. Drink water.
Next I'm in the car. Focus on the road. Don't be lazy. Don't endanger anyone else. (Here comes another cyclical downward spiral). Stop. Think about the people who love you.
This is when things are getting pretty bad for me. Some days I feel more or less near a cliff and there's that looming sense of darkness that hovers just behind me. Other days the hole is several feet away and I'm not worried about falling in. But always that hole is there. I must always be aware of its reality.
Looking back I can imagine the concern on faces of friends. "What can I do to help?" "What do you need?"
I don't know. It's too dark to see.
And so nothing is done, because I don't know.
If you've read all the way to this point please read on for the next sentences.
I'm not crying out for help. I want you to see what I see. I want you to understand in some small way my depression. I believe there are more people who experience mild depression than are happy to admit. No one wants to be considered suicidal. But you don't have to be suicidal to be depressed.
To me it's a mental and emotional illness that has a biological aspect.So basically everything has something to do with it. When I have many healthy connections with those around me I fare better (sounds like common sense). The waves of stress and turmoil don't rock me as much when my emotional safety net is large enough.
However, there come times when the stars line up just right and it hits me.
I usually don't recognize where I am until after I've stumbled through a few weeks.
Week 1: Just a few more stresses to deal with. I can do this. No problem.
Week 2: Well it's just a little bit more difficult than last month or the couple of months before, you know. Life has ups and downs.
Week 3: Why is it so hard to go to class? Why can't I get out of bed? Today was supposed to be a good day.
Week 4: There were days last week I should have been perfectly fine. All motivation has left me at this point. It's difficult to even think about cooking for myself.
It wasn't until about 3 months into the new year that I realized I'm still suffering from depression. The lingering darkness that haunts me. It sits just behind my ears, on the back of my neck and without even raising those hairs to let me know it sinks in.
My prayers are suffocated. Hope fades and the cycles begin to set in.
Cyclical Self-Depreciation
I'm depressed. I'm no fun. I don't have my lively personality. People won't have fun around me. I won't go.
People don't spend time with me because I'm no fun. I must not be that important.
I'm not important enough to bother those people. They wouldn't want to spend time with me.
Why are my days filled with no accomplishment. I feel terrible and worthless.
I'm worthless and shouldn't even try. I won't get anything done because my work isn't good.
The fact is, none of this is necessarily true. But it happens. It's happened throughout so many years of my life.
Sure there are ups and downs, doesn't everybody have those? So why do I bother?
Paralysis.
"Are you coming up today?"
"No"
"I've been in bed all day"
"Get out of bed. Go be with people"
It's at this point where I know something has to be done (I've known all along, and despite years of experience the task is still monumental)
Get up. Go to the shower. Accomplish something. Get food. Eat it. Drink something. Drink water.
Next I'm in the car. Focus on the road. Don't be lazy. Don't endanger anyone else. (Here comes another cyclical downward spiral). Stop. Think about the people who love you.
This is when things are getting pretty bad for me. Some days I feel more or less near a cliff and there's that looming sense of darkness that hovers just behind me. Other days the hole is several feet away and I'm not worried about falling in. But always that hole is there. I must always be aware of its reality.
Looking back I can imagine the concern on faces of friends. "What can I do to help?" "What do you need?"
I don't know. It's too dark to see.
And so nothing is done, because I don't know.
If you've read all the way to this point please read on for the next sentences.
I'm not crying out for help. I want you to see what I see. I want you to understand in some small way my depression. I believe there are more people who experience mild depression than are happy to admit. No one wants to be considered suicidal. But you don't have to be suicidal to be depressed.
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